Adventures with Severus Snape and Nagini
by RedStarsa
Summary: This is never going to work Severus thought. "I'm not pleasssed about thisss either." "Do you realize how ridiculous this all is?" "You sssaid you teach dunderheadsss yesssss? Maybe they won't noticcce." "You're a bloody boa constrictor in a wig!" - In which Nagini comes to Hogwarts to spy on Harry and generally create mischief. Voldemort is very silly as is this story.


** I dedicate this story to my sister who has been patiently listening to my obsessive babbling of Harry Potter (more specifically Severus Snape). I hope its as funny as it sounds in my head.** **Nagini's inner monolog is noted by the italics** **Note this is not to be in any shape or form taken seriously. Cheerio then. **

"NAGINI!" Voldemort hissed. She slithered over his father's grave and stuck her head out inquisitively. "This is your fault!" Nagini jerked her head back and blinked.

_My fault?_ she thought wistfully_ I'm a snake! A talking snake at that, what more does he want?!_ Voldemort stomped in circles awaiting his most faithful servant who had been absent from his rebirth under the pretenses of teaching. When Severus did finally arrive in the graveyard he gave a subtle nod to the snake and turned to the dark lord.

"My lord," He began, his voice slow and careful as always. "I am most relieved to see your revival was a success." Voldemort gave a quick smirk that dissipated into a snarl.

"The boy has escaped again! A boy of fourteen continues to humiliate my plans! Severus! No more. I want him dead, I want him to suffer."

"Of course, my lord." Nagini slid over the smooth stone and down between her master and his servant. Listening attentively. "How can I expedite the process?"

"While your reconnaissance from inside the school is valuable Severus I fear we need a more direct approach." Voldemort stretched his arm out and feeling as though she had been forgiven Nagini wrapped herself around him until she was perched on his shoulders.

"I'm afraid I do not take your meaning." Severus raised a brow.

"Nagini…" He said in a hoarse whisper and turned to his pet motioning for her to take note. His snake dropped down onto the ground. Begrudgingly she used her tail to place her reading glasses on and from nowhere summoned her notepad that floated on its own in front of her. With a green quill wrapped in her tail she began jotting as he spoke. She wrote;

_June 24 - Graveyard, _  
><em> Severus Snape present, lord Voldemort's mood, unreasonable. Current annoyance, the boy who lived foiling his plans…again.<em>

It seemed to her almost useless to take notes for him, he never read them and she herself never had the need to look at them outside of the date they were taken. As such it usually did keep her out of his scolding and she could be as sarcastic as she wanted since he was never going to read it anyway.

_Topic of discussion, find a more direct route to the boy. Suggestions presented, charm one of his friends and or classmates into unwillingly giving away secrets. Right like that would work. Attack his muggle family, actually Voldemort I think we'd be doing him a favor for that one._

Other_** 'brilliant'**_ ideas Voldemort proposed involved a reverse love potion, a dragon in drag, tax evasion, various uses for ladders, infiltrating politicians, and lastly convincing Harry to sign into a pyramid scheme.

She scratched out that last plan, it was the most ridiculous he'd presented thus far. Severus stood almost in awe of his master's failing wit and clear incapability of murdering a child. Nagini regarded the potions master with sympathy. He was much smarter than all of the death eaters put together, certainly more useful. Perhaps other than Bellatrix, but seeing as how she was incarcerated it really made no difference at the present moment.

"In fact where were you again Nagini? On the night of my destruction?" She shook her focus off Snape and realized he was again going on about how she had failed him the night he had tried to kill Harry Potter, the first time that is. Somehow it had been her fault that the boy still lived. It seemed that even though her master's body was fully developed his mind was not. He suggested that after he had been obliterated Nagini could have, should have just eaten the boy whole.

_If you'll recall, my lord. She hissed in her mind I was not even there! Not that you remember. I was to be kept safe for my status as a horcrux which was done without my permission! Also news of his death were greatly exaggerated at the time. Most of us thought he'd been devoured by some archangel. Of course we soon learned that he had been defeated by an infant._

"Well no matter." Voldemort said chuckling. "I have a job for the both of you." At once both Nagini and Snape locked eyes and silently wondered what his intentions were. "Outside of Bellatrix you two are most trusted servants all be it slightly incompetent.

_That's rich_. Nagini snorted as much as snakes could. "Therefore I want the two of you two work together." Snape stepped forward looking between Nagini and Voldemort. Nagini tipped her glasses on top of her head and ignored her quill and notebook for the time.

"You mean for Nagini to" Snape searched for the words. "Become my pet, of sorts?' He winced at the last part, knowing full well that Nagini was although unable to speak outside of parselmouths, was intelligent. At the present moment it seemed as though she were the only other intelligent being in this conversation.

"No no no…" Voldemort chuckled at the very thought of his dear Nagini belonging to someone else. "Don't be silly. She will go in as a student. Of course." Nagini snapped her head between Voldemort's self satisfied grin and Snape's difficult task of keeping his face stoic.

"My lord-" it was good Severus was cut off, even he wasn't sure the next words to come out. Although he hoped that the next to come out of Voldemort's were that his latest ludicrous suggestion was nothing more than a joke, a bad joke.

"Come now Severus, Nagini will fit right in, won't you my dear?" He patted her head as Nagini did her best to not bite his wrist for such an idea.

"Of course, however she can only speak with a snake's tongue…"

"Which is why I will place a charm on her that will allow her to speak as a normal student."

"And…her appearance?" _Why is he indulging this insane proposition!?_

"I don't understand Severus, I thought you liked snakes."

"As much as the next Slytherin but I don't think-"

"Severus I haven't the time for your worries, just make it work. I have other plans in the making. Now…" he knelt down to his snake who kept her eyes narrowed and fierce. Not that he had noticed. He wrapped his arms around Nagini and patted her head. "You be good now Nagini, and help Severus get all the information you can." He stood about to vanish when he laughed to himself. "Ah silly me." He drew his wand and with a flourish of his arm he chanted. "Linguisistus Engleius" And with that they were alone in the graveyard with disbelief and a fair amount of hissing.

Nagini sat perched on Severus chair as he wandered in small circles about how to proceed. Voldemort had later given specific instructions that she not be transformed or changed in any way to make her appearance more agreeable. He grimaced at the sight of her.

_ This is never going to work _ Severus thought.

Under the pretenses that she was professor Snape's niece Nagini was a new student from Albania. Naturally she had been placed in Slytherin. Her long body covered in robes with green trim she wore her reading glasses and plopped on her head was a black wig that constantly needed her to adjust it to keep it from sliding off her. Severus shook his head.

"I'm not pleasssed about thisss either." She cooed barely having to move her mouth and more her tongue that flickered at the new sounds she was making.

"Do you realize how ridiculous this all is?"

"You sssaid you teach dunderheadsss yesssss? Maybe they won't noticcce."

"You're a bloody boa constrictor in a wig!"

"You don't want to upssset the dark lord do you?" She slithered onto his desk and arched upwards to meet his stare. "He worksss in mysterious wayssss Severussss. Perhapsss he knows sssomething we don't."

"Doubtful." he snapped. "You give him far too much credit."

"Jussst do you job." She said now moving the floor keeping the upper half of her body erect while the other half pushed herself forward on the ground. "I'll concccern myself with the boy." Nagini reached up with her mouth and twisted the doorknob.

"By the way…" he said just before she left.

"Yessss?"

"Did the dark lord give you an alias?"

"Nagini Inigan." She hissed.

"Your last name is your first name backwards?" He sneered with a raised eyebrow. "One of his other clever ideas?"

"Itssss no more sssubtle than Ssssnape." She mocked and moved her slender body out his door and towards the Slytherin common room.

**Okay okay this was meant to be silly and probably a one shot but we'll see I guess. **


End file.
